But I love you.
Words that can echo for eternity. Have you ever said those three words to someone that you didn't actually love? Who hasn't, right? But is there a person that you most regret saying it to? Do you regret ever saying it to anyone? Have you ever been so truly ingrossed with someone that you couldn't say it for fear it would ruin what you had?
Let's discuss all the possiblities of love and the ones we give it to, willing recipients or not.
I personally have never been in "true" love. I've thought I have but it turns out, with the help of some wise words from a friend, I have not. He said that true love can only happen when it is felt in both hearts for one another. I have been "in" love with 3 boys in my life. None of which loved me back. So I guess I have never really been, in love. My emotional side bursts out of me when I'm caught in these desperate situations. Which is what I'm considering my life up unto this point, one desperate situation after another. They get the better of me and I use my heart rather than my brain to solve lifes great puzzles. I do believe in love at first sight...I believe more in lust at first sight, however. I confuse the two, you see. My heart pukes emotional bagage on this subject and my brain is forced to clean up the mess. I fall deep into peoples eyes and their personalities once the initial lust over their body wears off. I get caught in my own traps of belief that there could possibly be a spark happening and I'm then powerless to end the infatuation before it blooms into a poisonous flower. The saddest part about it is, the other boy doesn't ever feel the same about me. I'm always in the same relationship with the mirror. I'm standing alone on the reflective side trying to see through my depressious eyes to the (straight, most likely) boy scratching his head. I've come to the conclussion that I like guys that couldn't possibly like me back. It's my wall of self presurvation that has a weak foundation. If you don't love me you can't hurt me later. Through the cracked mortar holding my emotional bricks together, I look into my future and realize that I'm alone. If not for the fact that i literally haven't found someone who loves me back, then for the fact that I'm so emotionally damaged by my own doing that I cannot feel the words, I love you, sinch there way into my soul. I push people away from me hard. I say and do things that I don't mean to garantee the fact that they will end it before it began. Have you ever felt so deeply alone that your body rejects even tears? It's the mocking act of irony that keeps me going...even just for the evening.
Smooches!
P.S. I'm going to start cataloging the words I make up. Todays post is brought to you by the word, depressious. Depressious: The ability to hold something so dear to your heart that it becomes impossible to scrape from your character. Mostly in a negative way. Pass it on.
Wrestling with Beauty....
10 years ago
Beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteBut I think we all put way too much emphasis on making love a "big deal."
It's not that hard to love someone, people!
It shouldn't be such a big deal to say to someone "I love you." I say it all the time. If I feel it, if I mean it, I'm going to say it.
Are we all that abused and hurt that we feel we have to control or limit our capacity to love? It's funny, how we toughen up our feelings by saying stuff like "love ya," "xoxo," or "i heart you."
Screw that shit. "I love you." That's what I say. I love you.
Is there a difference between loving someone and being "in love"? I'm certain of it. I wouldn't know though, as I've never been "in love."
But it's a shame that the first big milestone in any relationship are the words "I love you."
That big milestone should really be the words, "I'm in love with you."
I know I would never even begin to work on a relationship if I didn't feel I loved that person. So why should "I love you" be a milestone? To me, it's a pre-requisite.
I love you,
James.
James-so true.
ReplyDeleteLove is something that takes time to nurture in a relationship, but you wouldn't continue a relationship if you did not love that person.
The only reason why I find it hard to say the words "I love you" is because I never had anyone-aside from family members-to actually love. I blame myself, really. I love myself too much! HA Just kidding.
I think, as humans, we spend too much time on finding someone to easily say the words than actually finding someone we want to say the words to. If you love someone, let it be known, even if in return you just get a stunned smile and embarrassed remark mummbled under their breath.
But, again, love is not something that walks up to you, hits you in the face and says-see that guy, you love him. It's something that is worked on over a period. You may find out you actually do love someone that you thought you never could. Love takes many forms.
I hear yea on people making too big a deal out of saying I love you. I actually can't say those words unless I truly mean them. I almost choke on them if it's not true. It goes back to the inability to lie about things. I hate when people say I love you to someone who they don't even know. Like coworkers after the first night out outside of work. You may love a piece of my personality that you just witnessed but girl...how can you possibly love me. You don't even know me. Love, to me, is being washed out by our generation and shallowing out into the next. Love should be more than a handshake type gesture.
ReplyDelete