Somebody call 911.

So it turns out that I'm a felon in the great country of Canada.  Because of my stupid run in with the check point 6 months ago I have a DUI on my record for life.  If that wasn't enough in it's self, I owed a stank load of money that I'm now slowly but surely paying off.  Now the kicker of the whole deal is that Canada won't allow me into their country for fear that I'll go on a binging rampage and take out all their finely manicured sidewalks and light fixtures.  Not to mention run down all their french speaking pop stars and overly dressed, in a completely unsuitable for action, uniformed and steed riding police officers, eh!  I understand that it was wrong of me to be influensed by the liquid gods and get behind the wheel but I thought the cash and hotel jail was the punishment for that...not to mention the embarrassment and shifty eye contact from the parents.  I want in, Canada!  They claim after 5 years of time served from the punishment date that I may file for an over the border appeal.  Not saying they'll allow you in just saying you can give a good reason why you should be allowed and that you are so very, very sorry for the crimes committed.  They then take in consideration your credit, job, financial situation, height/weight appropriate body type, length of hair and nails, penis size and the correct use of the word about, mix it all up in their very fine judicial system and do what all wanna be American countries would do...ask for the money!  Help me out.  Throw a dog a bone, ya?  I haven't seen Toronto yet and I really, really want to, damn it!  Although, Canada, this is putting a bit of a damper on the sight seeing tour disposition.