When I was a young warthog.

Why am I awake?!! 

I do this to myself all the time.  I force myself to stay awake for some god awful reason.  I think it is the same reason I cannot take naps.  I feel that I'm missing out on my life by sleeping.  And then when I finally fall asleep I feel horrible for waking up in the middle of the afternoon because I feel like I've wasted the morning but I hate to wake up and just want to always be sleeping.  Shit don't make no kinda sense!  I am a huge contradiction!

I have also come up with the plan to lose 25lbs in 2 weeks.  It comes from Christian Bale and his insane performance in The Machinist.  That, was crazy.  One can of Tuna and an apple a day for a month and he dropped 100lbs and became absolutely disgusting looking.  Granted, I do not want to look like him.  I would not be alive for one and two it creeped me out and that doesn't ever happen.  Soo...nope.  But I am going to incorporate some of that logic into this crash, unhealthy diet.  Two cans of tuna!  Ha!

I got to thinking about Jana this past weekend and it made me a bit sad.  No offence to you sweets, but I was thinking about how it must be something amazing to wake up one day and be in the middle of nowhere and still be able to coop with life that is left in shadow and miles away.  I'm not sure what she is thinking about the situation at hand, being so far from her home, her friends, family, dog...lover!  If that is making her sad and regret certain decisions, or if she is thinking that this is now her new form of home.  The not knowing what will come at her next is a solace and this new adventure is her new comfort.  I am reminded of the time I up and moved to NYC.  That just sounded like Wilson from Home Improvement...anyway, and I had no idea what I was doing or going to do for money.  It was a tingle I had never felt before.  It was good.  I miss that feeling of the unknown.  The ghosts of someone else's life to dictate my path.  I'm not sure why we as humans lost our ability to fly by the seat of our pants, go with the flow, play it by ear...use our instincts.  I think my anxiety comes from the pent up instincts I have shoved into the corner of my soul.  I use logic and brain function over wading through the water.  Closing my eyes and stepping forward with the wind pushing against my body as the only caution.  We now seem to over think everything and make unnecessary excuses for every situation.   

Watching the deer outside my window makes me wonder where they are going.  Where did they just come from and what did they do there.  Is it all a game for food?  Walk this path for greens and then back for water and then back for greens, or is it something more?  Something we have lost in ourselves?  The deer paths of my life have route numbers for names and the food and water come in the form of paper and bricks.  Are we the exact duplicates of the deer we see crushed on the side of our paths?  It can't be this way for life, can it?  Driving the same roads to the same sorce day after day.  There has to be something to gain or something to move towards in life.  Is it just money?  Can I truly be happy with no vanities and just honestly say fuck it and leave everything behind?  Hmmm...I think it may be time for a change. 

Jana, I'm comin home!