Today started the cycle of my life that I like to call, "the spiral". I have spurts of lost time that collect over the years of my exsistence. I feel like I'm a repeat abductee from an alien race of midgets-I'm not sure why they are midget aliens, I think it has to do with my height in phsycallity-The realm of my psyche functions in an oblong gravitational pull. The forces that be drag my soul through a roller coaster of emotions that I have no choice but to erase from my mind. In doing so I have yet to truly understand who I am. I drive back and forth through decisions and the processes that have brought me to certain forks in the road and can't seem to place the reasoning behind the derectional changes. Maybe that is the point, though. Maybe it's the not knowing that defines us. Maybe the thinking behind the decisions are what actually stear us off the correct path in our lives.
Today was another one of those turning points. I have a way of falling into myself over and over again. I am a compulsive wreck that is so painfully bland and uneventfully not reckless. There could be an object I hate most in life, or on a smaller scale, just think of as friends, and a month or two later I will convince myself that the initial feelings were lies and I actually am obsessed with said object. I know for a fact that these feelings are an excuse to further push my own buttons and section off the understood parts of my personality away from the unknown goodie bag left to scratch through, but it gets to a point where I actually feel like I'm committing hypethetical suicide. Like the only answer is to give up and let it all go in a blaze of glory. A subtle send off to the true unknown.
Something caught my eye today that had me thinking about this. It was the way people latch on to things that are seemingly unimportant. The meaning we equate to an object, song, group, prayer, food, toy...can indeed tear us apart. My object is forever changing but always remains the same. It is my inability to let myself love myself. It is the way I had a hard time even typing those letters in the sequence to spell out those words to create that phrase. I don't self-loathe, that is a waste of time, but I do block out the one emotion left for everyone else to devoure, love. The ever changing aspect of it is the way it transforms into different things for different days. But it will always close in on me. It will not let the love in. It may be a boy tonight saying he thinks I am cute...most likely handsom would be the word used...bleh. Or it could be the dog that snuggles it's head in my lap. I will inevitably make an excuse to dismiss the action as something negative. I have always been the one with the big mouth. The person who would say anything unfiltered for a laugh or to get a rise out of someone. It is my compulsive nature to make everyone feel at ease around one another. Put the attention, negative or positive, on me so that everyone around me would have a common like or hatred. To share the love with everyone leaves little love for one's self. This is the spiral I must get straightened out. This is the compulsive action I need to flatten, like my abs. It was the switch that could only be turned off by the power of a liquid for a long time. It needs to be my motivation. It is my motivation. Now, somebody tell my soul.
Wrestling with Beauty....
10 years ago
"Handsome" is a better word that "cute"... Handsome implies sophistication and charm as well as good looks. Cute implies a baby animal that you do not want to boink.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you don't need anyone to love you before you love yourself... quite the opposite! There are plenty of people who love you right now and it doesn't make you love yourself any more. It is very easy to love yourself, and this coming from someone who loves themselves like it's nobody's business!-- MY key to loving myself is this-- well, a few things:
1) chronic, inexplicable happiness. I guess I have an endless supply of dopamine in my brain; and, I've found that instead of being angry or holding grudges, one should forgive and move on-- forgiveness really makes things LESS complicated... but you must be brave to employ it!
2) doing things I won't regret later. As Dwight says: every time I am about to do something, I think-- Would an idiot do that thing? And if he would, I don't do that thing! Lol! But sometimes you do something you ultimately regret later, it's a fact of life. That also requires you to man up and admit mistakes and move on, everyone makes mistakes! Stupid, stupid, embarrassing, treacherous mistakes! But you know what? People forget about others' mistakes, you want to know why? Because they're too busy remembering THEIR mistakes!
3) trying to see the good in everybody. Nobody is out to get you-- or at least assume they are not unless they directly inform you that they are out to do so, or if they sabotage you in some way. People want to be loved-- remember that-- people just want people approval, and you are people. And by the way, you are a cool people and I bet a lot of people strain for your approval. You just don't see it. Well, look!
4) sense of humor! This, you already have... but constant self-deprecating humor can hurt yourself! How about more "Yes I am great aren't I?" "Wow, I am a nice person, huh?" and "I just held that door for you to accentuate just how amazing I actually am. Want to see me do it again?" Which follows into...
5) constantly praise yourself. Seriously, it works. Give yourself a pat on the back. Fawn over your amazingly good looks and bamboozling personality. Say "I love me" many, many times. Say it in front of people, and people will start to believe it and so will you. You don't need to be a narcissist... well, as a matter of fact you a-little-bit-do -- I kind of am, not completely, but you have to be to say "I love myself!"
6) know yourself. I know I have thin hair and I botch public speaking! But so what! You know, Jana wears fake hair! And, I just don't wear hats that cover my head so I look like a chemo patient! And as for public speaking-- that's what booze is for! Or at least a dose of benadryl, that does the trick. Nobody is perfect, but soon technology will be able to replace our bones with airplane metal and activate the smart half of our brains, and then, we'll be pretty darn close.
So, in conclusion: be happy, be smart, be optimistic, be funny, be (slightly if not more than slightly) narcissistic, and be yourself, whatever that is! I am like Rhonda Byrnes, I will show you the Secret! Understand that no matter who you think you wish you'd rather be, once you switch bodies you will KNOW the horrible HORRIBLE mistake you've made and the only way to fix it is to fly a kite into a power line... seriously, trust me, you do NOT want to be anybody else, because chances are, you will not like them as much as yourself! At least you trust yourself. And, you know yourself better than anyone else! I mean, if you're in another body could you imagine how many times you'd trip over things, bonk your head, address your mom as Mrs. Whomever? Awkward!? Could you imagine being me, and forever being doomed to using the stepladder to reach the top shelf? Do you understand how annoying that is? To constantly be looking for a stupid step ladder? I've actually resigned myself to climbing the shelves like a ninja, but it took me a while to figure that out and you need a great sense of danger and balance to hang on to that tiny ledge with a pile of books in your arm. The point is-- you are used to being you and nobody else and you would probably like being you better than someone else. Even if you're jealous of them. Because it would be hard to adjust to another body. And another lifestyle. And what if they live with a roommate who eats all their food? Then what?
ReplyDeleteBy the way, yes-- you are over-thinking things.
ReplyDeleteOh, and another thing-- last thing, I promise--
ReplyDeleteDon't wonder about what could have been! Aslan tells us it is a fruitless use of a thinking cap! What has happened, has happened, and it can't be changed so there is no reason to dwell. No logical reason! You can only change the now!
I love that lion! I don't wish I was anyone else. I like me...if not a smaller version, but I'm working on that as we-type! I'm all about the love from this moment on. "all you need is love" "but a girl's gotta eat" "all you need is love"...
ReplyDeleteWhoops-- I guess I did make a leap there, didn't I? I suppose I figured if you didn't love you, you would love more being someone else.
ReplyDeleteMoulin Rouge, woo